Notes From the Pandemic

So, how’s your pandemic going? Here’s what’s been happening with mine.

1) No, I have not been making sourdough bread.

2) I think I had “Rita Wilson” Covid. Early on, when the world was sorting out what this virus was all about, it suddenly became all too real when Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson contracted the virus. When hearing about Rita’s days’ long malaise, fever, and body aches, all I thought was, “check, check, and check.” It was early days and I wasn’t important enough or sick enough to be tested, but I’m pretty sure there was some corona in my virus.

3) I was checking my email while hanging out with my teenagers one afternoon when I got a disturbing message. It caught my eye because the subject was a password that I frequently use. It said that this person had access to all my contacts and a pornographic video that I had made as well as knowledge of kinky porn websites that I had visited. Starting to panic because this person knew my password, I paused for just a nano-second and asked myself several questions:

“Had I made any porn videos?”

“Visited any porn sites?”

“I would have remembered that right?”

Confident I was in the clear, I showed my kids the email as my husband was on a call and unavailable for tech support.

“Mommmmm,” my 16-year-old daughter said.

To which I replied, “If I had done any of those things, do you think I would show you this email?”

I called my sister. I got two seconds into the story before she cut me off and said, “Porn? They have one of your old passwords? Yeah, I got it yesterday. I googled it and it’s a scam.”

It did make for amusing banter with my kids. Maybe there are some secrets about their parents they don’t know?? Or maybe I am just a doddering, middle-age, gullible woman.

4) I’m so happy that I don’t have little kids at home. Parents of younger children try to limit their screen time. I, on the other hand, have given up trying to monitor digital consumption. Instead I feigned interest and enthusiasm when my daughter told me she had finished all seven seasons of “Orange is the New Black” in an impressively short time. “Good for you,” I told her, “What an achievement. Aren’t the meth heads adorable?” Where do I collect my “Mother of the Year” award?

5) While we don’t see many people, it feels strange to see the handshake become a thing of the past. I’ve spent years teaching my kids how to give a proper handshake. Firm, don’t offer a wet fish. Handshakes are laden with meaning. My maternal grandmother was a strong, classy lady. After the funeral of a family member many years ago, we asked our grandmother if she had spoken with an estranged family member who showed up. She said, “I did not extend my hand.” Ouch, the ultimate dismissal.

6) While routine or “well” doctor visits were discouraged during the strict stay-at-home orders, I did make a scheduled follow-up visit with my oncologist. He and I had to forego our usual hug but we happily noted it had been 10 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, which felt like a big milestone. Am I cured? I hope so. I can just worry about Covid-19 like the rest of the world.

7) I learned about something I had only read about – yes, chocolate really is bad for dogs. My poor pooch got into a stash on the kitchen table, which I only found out about at 1:00 am when he started vomiting and I saw the undigested wrappers from the mini chocolate bars. One of my kids had picked up the spilled bowl and unopened candies earlier in the day without telling me, which was just as well. I didn’t have to anticipate the sickness. Just experienced it first hand. I was up all night with him. I googled “what happens when dogs eat chocolate” and was pretty sure he wouldn’t die but I did dial the pet poison hotline about 5:00 am. The initial recording said the consultation would be $59. I was mostly confident that he would live until 9:00 am when the vet opened so I saved my money for the vet visit. Fortunately my hunch was correct and I can report that my dog is happily recovered. My bedroom rug? Not so much.

8) My father lives in Israel where he is happily sequestered with his lovely wife. While I haven’t seen him since November, we speak regularly. I am relieved each week when he tells me he is, “Bumping along.” In his infinite wisdom, he tells me that this (the Pandemic) too shall pass. He’s my dad, so I believe him.

Like my dad, I’ll continue to bump along and look forward to the day when a mask no longer hangs from my rear view mirror. In the meantime, can anyone teach me how to use TikTok?

 

 

 

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